Introduction

        How good it is to have grown through the years to know in my bones that Jesus holds me close and makes a way in the wilderness. This is deep knowing, an inner flourishing growth that has rooted deep in my heart, especially over the last few years! Firmly rooted in the deepest caverns of my heart. In this paper I will reflect on other  theological underpinnings and movements that have shaped my journey/story of faith. The words of Julian of Norwich summarize well (for me) the renewal and transformation that has taken place along my faith journey . . .  “All is well, and all shall be well.” I remind myself often to live in this truth. I am learning to live in it ever more deeply – it is in my bones!

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The Wonder and Beauty of the Character of God 

        My view of God, the way I see God, what fills my mind, heart, and soul when I think of God, is one of the most important things about me. My picture of God deeply shapes my inner life and outward behavior.   My view of God is everything! For many years I saw God as a distant parent believing God was disinterested, too busy, and disappointed in me.  I pictured him with arms folded back with a frown turned towards me, waiting for me to get things right. My own posture was to withdraw, stay away, get angry, depressed, and to often feel totally abandoned by God.  I remember crying out at my worst times, “Where are you God, I must be a huge disappointment to you, my life is not going well, my children are not doing well, and it’s my fault, I must have a lot to clean up in my act before you pay attention, I feel so alone in this mess - Wah, Wah, Wah!” 

        However, in sharp contrast to years having a distorted view, I now cannot wait to be with God, to run and jump into his lap, because I see God rightly with renewed eyes and heart. I have come to know my beautiful God - as merciful, trustworthy, generous, good, always safe, quick to forgive (again, and again, and again), compassionate, tenderly kind, and so full of gladness and delight when I come to him. With this view of God, I am quickened to run to God for dear life and enjoy unimaginable rest. (Matthew 11:28).

        Dwelling in the coming to and knowing of God as the holy three-in-One is also a deep theological underpinning. God the father, God the son Jesus, and God the mystical holy spirit – completely the same, fully for the other, and inviting me to join in and participate dance of life with them in who God is – the only perfect and loving community!  I get to share in their beautiful dance of intimate togetherness of,  “all-for-one, and one for all,” and be part of God’s relational attributes of unimaginable holy love  – this completely floors me. I believe so deeply that the Trinity is the often-forgotten heart of Christian gospel. For me,  trinitarian love and relating it is the very underpinning center of who God is. 

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My view of the world

        My view of the world underlines my posture living in the world. I have pondered throughout my life the question – What is the Gospel? And I am aware more now than ever before, that part of the gospel is the Kingdom of God right here now. This helps me realize foundationally to quote Dallas Willard that this world is a very safe place (with all the joys, the struggles, the apparent mess of it all), I am living more in eternity now in this world, growing in friendship with Jesus with a crystal-clear view that –  “The Kingdom of God is at Hand.” 

 

My view of humankind

        I attended with my wife her family reunion a few years ago. This was an experience that helped me to reshape a distorted view I had of people, especially people I “did not like or had a hard time relating with, my wife and I both triggered by the dysfunction of sarcasm rooted in family relationships. My growing spiritual practice of imagining Jacob’s Ladder descending on the reunion and sending God’s graces saved me. ,Family reunions are major relational trauma triggers for me. I find myself reacting to others, gritting my teeth, bracing myself for impact, and wishing I could call on an invisible, impenetrable, right out of Star Wars - force-shield, to protect my soul from the word-harm “rock throwing assault” of dysfunctional relating… sarcasm, self-centered conversation, and one-upmanship sharing, and a bringing down of others, often done with a pleasant smile. “Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.”

        Well, the practice of “Jacob Ladder Visions” blessed me at the reunion, along with reading/praying through the Litany of Humility by Thomas Kempis. One particular intense moment of blessing was having dinner together at a very noisy and rowdy German restaurant, As I looked at all our family sitting down along both sides of two long tables, I held Theresa’s hand in mine and imagined Jacob’s Ladder descending down. And my heart radiated with affection, I sensed having a trinitarian gaze on every member of our family, sensed being connected to a holy wisdom, and was overcome with a sense of deep understanding of God’s love and affection – for all image bearers in the room. 

        And I remember thinking . . . We, all in this gathering are beloved of God, he is crazy about each one of us here; so, so, so, merciful and forgiving of our offenses toward him. In my mind (imagination), I fell to my knees in humble and thankful praise, in worship really! I then felt in the moment the ability to see better, love better, forgive easily, to truly love my enemy if you will – family dysfunction – in the entire human race. Ha - I remember smiling and then clinking a rarely ever held beer mug, to the toast family with true joy and deep care. I joined in with the seemingly new laughter and celebration taking flame, and remember hearing something brew in my heart… a familiar inner cheer with love in my heart for all . . . “To the King, to the Kingdom, To the Restoration.”  I practice imagining Jacob’s ladder descending down from the heavens  often onto humankind. This sacred practice awakens my heart to the holy three’s loving gaze on all of humanity and redeems my posture and thoughts toward human encounters, especially, difficult ones. 

 

Love and suffering

        I also sing and listen to certain songs to increase love in my heart, most often in hurtful moments of family struggle and felt suffering. I imagine Jesus singing with me. In the eyes of my heart, I could see Jacob’s Ladder, with a host of angels coming down to embrace, love on, and comfort my estranged daughter who I have missed dearly over the past five years. In my imagination, I saw this man in deep joy, sprinting towards my daughter across the way, with arms wide open, and as he got closer, I could see -  it was me! The prodigal father and prodigal daughter brought together after so long, and we shared a divine connection – by God’s grace. Pure joy!  Spiritual practice undergirds my view of God, people, and the world. God deeply ministers to us in broken connections with loved ones; what an intense heartache there is as a parent – I have found. But deeply rooted spiritual practices often deepen hope and breathing in  the “with God life,” swelling the “knowing” in my bones - suffering is not the end of the story. This saturates my thinking in the mix of love and suffering. Although, dipping my toes in spiritual practice sometimes only seem to be a temporary Band-Aid on my soul, I am growing and experience inner healing, spiritual transformation is a slow lifelong movement. 

 

 

Scripture

       There are two scriptures that I call my “life verses” and on the roller coaster of my faith journey I have meditated on them often. The first out of Philippians and the second out of Paul’s letters to the  Corinthians. I quote out of the ESV. 1) “So, we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient but the things that are unseen are eternal” (2 Corinthians 4: 16-18. 2). And out of Philippians, “I am sure of this , that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. It is right for me to feel this way about you all, because I hold you in heart, for you are all partakers with me of grace, both in my imprisonment and in the defense and confirmation of the gospel.” (Philippians 1: 6-7). 

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Influences who have shaped my life 

        When I walk the labyrinth (another beloved spiritual practice), influences who have shaped my life walk with me. Before I cross the entrance threshold, I always invite my influencers to take my hand and walk with me; and I sense their embrace, joining me in my walk. As I enter the Labrinth, I ask my “all-saints” to walk along with Jesus and I who holds my hand. They are Dad & Mom, Larry Jr (a passed brother), Dallas Willard, George MacDonald, Peggy & Jim, Frederick Buechner, Henri Nouwen, Brennan Manning and more - these, my beloved saints in the unseen world of the Kingdom of God. I give the sign of the cross before walking across the threshold which feels holy, good, warm, and very much - part of my true self. I begin always praying my beloved Jesus Prayer; “Jesus, son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner,” as I hold the hand of Christ, my close friend and savior. Slowly breathing in and out, I think of life, and I frequently will come to tears, I pause in my walk for a moment to soak in all that is flowing in and through my heart – so  pierced with gratitude for all that has  occurred over my life with “my people.”

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Conclusion

        I am drawn to God’s fierce goodness as I practice seeing every person I encounter as beloved by God and deeply valued. In daily interactions, I sense God’s pleasure and goodness moving through me toward others, often with this first thought: “You are beloved by God, and I am blessed to be with you.” This movement feels good and right and brings deep joy to my soul. I thank God for allowing me to share in his Trinitarian embrace of all image bearers—what a delight. I still have much to learn in this practice. “Jesus, teach me, dear Lord. Give me God-blessed eyes and God-blessed ears. I pray this, Abba Father, as one in great need.” As I continue learning and growing in the ministry and art of spiritual direction, I pray to grow more deeply in gentleness, devotion, love, and belonging with the Good King.